Dear Mrs. Hughes,
I would like to write you about an issue that has been worrying me lately. I had the same job for 33 years as a teacher in an elementary school. I loved everything about my job, but as I approached retirement age, I began to get excited about retiring. So much so that I retired at the beginning of the school year, when I could have worked an extra year. I was very excited about all the things I could do – pursuing my love of theater, music and writing, engaging in volunteer work, hiking, and spending more time with my children and grandchildren. Even though I am a widow, I did not at all consider that I might feel lonely, as I have many friends and am usually very busy with a wealth of activities.
Well, I’ve been retired for a number of months, and even though all of that is true, I have found myself feeling lonelier than I thought. There are times when my friends and children are busy, when I have already completed the goals that I have made for myself and have no other daily activity planned, and I feel emptier than I had imagined. I find myself looking for another thing to do, something else to occupy myself with. It doesn’t help that I live in a rural area, not close to all of the opportunities available in the city…
Was I wrong not to have extended my working life, as I could have? Should I try to occupy myself more with volunteer work? I don’t want to take on too many responsibilities, as I was so looking forward to the freedom that retirement would offer me. I live in a place that I love and am blessed with health, a loving extended family and wonderful friends. So why do I find myself confused and at a loss for understanding what I am feeling?
Awaiting your reply,
A Rural Retiree
Dear Rural Retiree,
First of all, congratulations on your retirement and thank you for your service! That is something we often say to military personnel and veterans, but I believe teaching is one of the most important professions there is. To be an elementary school teacher for 33 years speaks towards your big heart, giving nature, patience, creativity, dedication to education over making a larger income, and of course, love of children. It is quite an achievement. As a mother and grandmother, I thank you.
Being part of a school system is like being part of a big, extended family. You have nurtured relationships with co-workers, parents and students for over three decades. That is a whole life. It makes perfect sense that you would feel bereft and lonely, a bit afloat. So many people have difficulty with retirement at first for this very reason. Not only was your life incredibly full, (probably too busy!), but it also had structure. You woke up every morning knowing exactly what you would be doing that day and what was expected of you. You had a lot of people to take care of. People depended on you. You were essential.
Do you know that in England when you’re laid off they say you’re redundant? I always found this such cruel terminology. One minute you’re essential, the next you’re redundant. You are not redundant, but you are grieving. Leaving a long-term job where you gave so much of yourself, to so many, every day, will of course leave a gaping hole. How could it not?
It reminds me of a phenomenon I’ve experience that I call post-production blues. I used to facilitate women’s retreats and, a long time ago, act in plays. I gave everything to both of these endeavors. Planning and rehearsing for months, being surrounded by particular people for a great deal of time, sharing our lives in very intimate ways. Being an extrovert, these were some of the happiest, most fulfilled times of my life. Invariably, when a retreat or play was over, I would fall into a deep depression. It happened every time. The space that activity held and the people I was so close to were gone and I was left feeling incredibly lonely and … I guess truth be told, redundant. What I was really feeling was grief over the loss of a community where I felt creative, recognized, respected, appreciated … vital.
You are going through something similar, but on a grander scale. Give yourself time and patience to feel the loss. It makes perfect sense that your emotions are confusing. Retirement is something you have been looking forward to for a long time and it is not feeling like you thought it would. Don’t second guess yourself for leaving a year early. You would feel this way no matter when you left. It’s just something you have to go through before finding your groove as a free-wheeling retiree.
It sounds like you have close family, wonderful friends, and lots of interesting activities that you already participate in. Give yourself some grace to find your way. If you don’t want to commit to new responsibilities or more volunteer work right away, don’t. A good friend of mine is experiencing the same thing. She finds that planning ahead so she has at least one thing to do every day or someone to meet makes a big difference. Perhaps taking a class in something completely new would be fun. If there aren’t a lot in your area, there are tons online. Maybe it’s time to take that trip you’ve always fantasized about. Maybe this would be a good time to visit an old friend. Getting out and experiencing a new environment might open your mind to new possibilities. It might take a while to find your footing in this new land called retirement, but you will!
Yours most truly,
Mrs. Hughes
About Mrs. Hughes
Mrs. Hughes is the pen name of Raizel Weiss Heizer, a licensed professional counselor, officiant, sacred passage doula and grandmother in Colorado Springs. She also has a background in the performing arts. Send your questions on life, love, money, parenting, difficult neighbors, or any sticky situations to dearmrshughes@pikespeakbulletin.org. No topic off limits, though publication is not guaranteed. Use a pseudonym if you wish.
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Send your questions on life, love, money, parenting, difficult neighbors, or any sticky situations. No topic off limits, though publication is not guaranteed. Use a pseudonym if you wish.
A letter to readers
Dear Readers,
It is such a joy to be writing this column and communicating with you in such an intimate way. The highlight of my week is finding a cozy coffee shop in which to hunker down and answer your letters. As this is something new to the Pikes Peak Bulletin, not everyone might be familiar with how an advice column works. You must write to me! Talk about whatever is on your mind. Nothing is off limits, although there is no guarantee your letter will be printed. Use a pseudonym. Send your letters to: DearMrsHughes@pikespeakbulletin.org
Yours most truly,
Mrs. Hughes
