Dear Mrs. Hughes,
I am an 82-year-old woman who lives in assisted living. My house is unique in that there are only five residents and we are all women. We get a lot of individual attention, and it feels more like a home. It is actually in a house in a neighborhood. Previously, I lived in a huge apartment-like facility that had both men and women which I didn’t much care for. Here, I feel comfortable going to the kitchen in my bathrobe. I don’t feel like I have to get dolled up if I want to be social like a lot of the women did in the coed facility. There, I mostly stayed in my room because I didn’t want to deal with my hair or how I looked. I felt isolated. I am very grateful to have this housing arrangement.
My issue is with one of the other residents. I don’t know why, but she just rubs me the wrong way. Everything she does annoys me. She has to be the one in charge of the remote control. She is the one who decides what we watch in the evenings. She has an opinion about everything, but I can’t have an intelligent conversation with her because hers is the only way. She has been here longer than me and the staff seem to favor her and take her side. Nobody else seems to mind her. They ignore her. I just can’t. I find myself getting into little tiffs with her over nothing.
I’ve always been second fiddle: compared to my siblings who got a better education than me; to my husband who made more than me but was less educated; to the men who were less intelligent than me, but who I answered to at work. This is the last place I will live. I will probably die here. I don’t want to be looked over anymore. The other day we were making cookies, and she just came over and usurped my job of rolling out the dough. When I complained, the staff tried to appease me by giving me a different task which I did not appreciate. Last night was the last straw. She wanted to watch Jeopardy, which I do not care for. Of course she got her way. I stayed because I wanted to be with everyone and be social. At one point we both shouted out the answer at the same time. She hogged all the credit for getting it right. I just gave up and went to my room. This situation with her is very uncomfortable and I don’t want it to continue. I also don’t want to give in to her and her bullying ways. I do realize how petty my complaints are and I am embarrassed by this.
What can I do?
Signed,
Trapped with a Bully
Dear Trapped with a Bully,
It sounds like you have a truly wonderful living situation except for this one woman who is a thorn in your side. The way I hear it, the friction between you is really disturbing your peace. We can’t have that! Hiding out in your room to avoid her is not the answer. Being at ease hanging out with the other women in your bathrobe, just as you are, sounds so comfy and homey. You don’t want to go back to your old ways of isolating in your room.
So what is going on? Why is this particular woman bothering you so much? My memory is pretty shotty these days, but I think it was in reading books by Carlos Castaneda in the 70s that I first came across the term: petty tyrant. Petty tyrants are people with little personal power who show up in your life to thwart you. They grab power where they can and lord it over others who have less in given situations. This woman is your personal petty tyrant. Congratulations! Petty tyrants also appear in our lives to teach us valuable lessons about ourselves.
So my dear, what is she there to teach you? Why is no one else bothered by her, but you? You said something very telling in your letter, that you have played second fiddle for most of your life and that you don’t want to be overlooked anymore. This woman is pushing all your buttons and triggering that old feeling of being less-than. That makes so much sense. This is a personal issue for you. You sound like an intelligent, well-educated person. Being recognized for those attributes is important to you. Now here is a woman with more seniority, if you will, usurping your job, deciding what you get to watch on television, and stealing your glory when you know an answer to the game show that she chose!
From the outside, these things might sound petty, but they are not. Please don’t judge yourself harshly for how you are reacting. These seemingly trivial issues represent a deep injustice that you have felt your entire life. This is where your life is being played out now. You are ‘trapped’ in this living situation and these are the everyday things that matter now. These are the ways you in which you distinguish yourself that contribute to how you feel about yourself. The other women there haven’t had the same experience of feeling like a second fiddle, so they aren’t disturbed by her annoying bullying ways.
This woman is a mirror for you that reflects unhealed past trauma. That’s why you react so strongly. That’s all. She is not out to get you. Her purpose is not to make you feel less than. She is responding to her own insecurities by having to be in control and the center of attention. If you can see this dynamic for what it is and not take it personally, you can begin to free yourself from reacting the way you do. As you said, this is the last place you will probably live. You want it to be lovely and harmonious. Don’t let her ruin it for you. Only you have the power to diffuse the charge she ignites in you. She might be an annoying bully, but if you can see her as just another human caught up by her own demons, you can free yourself from the hold she has over you.
You can do this!
Yours Most Truly,
Mrs. Hughes
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