Dear Mrs. Hughes,
I have been dating now for a few years and am noticing a strange phenomenon. I might really like someone and may even think I’m on the verge of falling in love after a few months, and then one day I wake up and poof! The feeling’s gone. My friends say I get the ‘ick’ and that I’m fickle. It can be such a little thing that turns me off, like the way someone chews or if they don’t recycle, or if they leave hair in the shower to name a few. I’m especially sensitive after I introduce them to my friends, wondering what they will think. Is this being fickle? Isn’t it good to be picky? I know I’m not perfect, but if someone does something that I find gross, it’s like the switch just flips and there’s no going back. I don’t really like that this keeps happening. Is it my fault? Am I doing something wrong?
Signed,
Switch-hitter
Dear Switch-hitter,
Dating is difficult! Here you are putting yourself out there hoping to find the love of your life. What a brave and vulnerable thing to do. Presumably the other person is doing the same. You develop crushes on each other and every interaction is filtered through proverbial rose-colored glasses. You are under a spell where the other can do no wrong. You feel so good when you are together because you have a mutual adoration society of two inhabiting your own little bubble. You might even start imagining a future together. Before long you become exclusive. You start to depend on the other person more and more. They become a central character in your life. You introduce them to your friends and then … Poof! All of a sudden you see them in a different light. The bubble is burst. The switch is flipped.
Dear Switch-hitter, how does this sound read out loud? Can you recognize any patterns? I’m not sure why this keeps happening to you, but I can venture an educated guess. It’s not that you’re doing anything wrong per se, it’s just that you may be moving a little too fast. What you are describing is the difference between having a crush on someone and truly loving someone.
Loving someone takes time. Love grows through shared experiences and values. It develops when you realize that another person is there for you when you are at your best, at your worst and everything in between. Love doesn’t waver. It is tested. It is steady. It can be exciting. It can be mundane. It is something solid that is true and just is. It is dependable. It feels like home. You know because there is no doubt. You care deeply about the other’s welfare and happiness. You take them into consideration. You put them first. I used to have a curious way of realizing the moment I started loving someone, whether a new friend or love interest. It’s morbid and I honestly don’t know why my brain goes there, but I would imagine this person dying and feel utterly devastated. That’s how I would know.
A crush is something entirely different, although it can easily be mistaken for love. It’s often what one feels at the beginning of a relationship, in the honeymoon stage, the rose-colored bubble stage. In this stage you are not seeing the other clearly. They are, in fact, a reflection of who you want them to be. They are perfect. You two are a glorious manifestation of everything you’ve ever wanted in another. You can see this played out before our very eyes on reality dating shows. These couples really do feel like they are falling in love. They imagine a life together and all that good stuff. Then the show is over and reality sets in. They introduce each other to their friends and family. In the real world they don’t seem the same. One starts to notice imperfections in the other and … Poof! The bubble is burst.
Switch-hitter, take your time. Take the time to truly get to know someone before giving your heart away. Take your time with intimacy. Make sure you really trust someone before you take that step. Focus on developing emotional intimacy first. If you are worried about how your friends will like or accept them, you are worrying about the wrong thing. How different that is from being concerned that your love interest is comfortable meeting your friends. If you find yourself looking for reasons to find fault, you will find fault. Can some of those little things that bother you be rectified by kind, open and honest communication? Are you capable of that?
The painstaking truth may be that you are not ready for a mature relationship. Sounds like you have some growing up to do. Love isn’t about finding that perfect person. Be careful Switch-hitter, or you might find yourself one of those people who is a serial monogamist going from one relationship to another when the shininess has worn off and there is a sparkling new person just around the corner.
Yours Most Truly,
Mrs. Hughes
About Mrs. Hughes
Mrs. Hughes is the pen name of Raizel Weiss Heizer, a licensed professional counselor, officiant, sacred passage doula and grandmother in Colorado Springs. She also has a background in the performing arts. Send your questions on life, love, money, parenting, difficult neighbors, or any sticky situations to dearmrshughes@pikespeakbulletin.org. No topic off limits, though publication is not guaranteed. Use a pseudonym if you wish.
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