Hello,
I am a middle-aged man who was diagnosed several years ago with Asperger’s Syndrome. Ever since, I have made great strides to improve how I communicate with and understand the thoughts and feelings of others.
But one area that still eludes improvement is the management of my emotions. I feel things deeply, and anything emotive can bring me to tears, whether it’s understanding someone else’s pain, watching the beauty of a rainstorm or simply observing an act of kindness. I tear up, sometimes uncontrollably for several seconds, even minutes. If I’m in the company of others, I have to quickly excuse myself until the feeling subsides. Let me be clear: These are not tears of anger or resentment, but of compassion, empathy, even joy. I am an otherwise happy person who enjoys making others smile.
I have seen innumerable therapists over the years, all who wanted to see me as depressed, prescribing pharmaceuticals, which unsurprisingly, haven’t helped. I’ve even been to those who specialize in patients with Autism Spectrum Disorder, who dismiss me as someone either with depression or a social anxiety disorder. My original diagnosis used standardized testing processes, as was my re-diagnosis later when Asperger’s became a part of ASD. So, please don’t tell me to see another therapist or worse yet, try group therapy. From my own studies, I know that many people on the Spectrum have issues with their emotions as well.
I have been widowed for decades, and I long to become involved in a relationship, but I can’t until I have this problem under control.
Respectfully,
Fears for Tears
Dear Fears for Tears,
I know many highly sensitive people or HSPs. Whether or not this condition stems from your Asperger’s Syndrome, ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder) diagnosis or not, it sounds like you experience emotions related to beauty and pain more deeply than the average Joe. I find this incredibly beautiful. A rare trait in this day and age of people armoring themselves more and more.
I am sorry you have been subjected to unhelpful and dismissive treatment from therapists and doctors in the past (therapists cannot prescribe medication). It sounds like you have been grossly misunderstood. I say embrace your uniqueness and claim who you are unapologetically!
I am not saying this flippantly. I understand how embarrassing it is not to be able to control your emotions like you would like to. However, anyone who loves you or will love you in the future, will love this about you as well. Learn how to be self-disclosing about it. This is a real asset. You will be surprised how people respond when you admit to a vulnerability upfront. It prepares them for what to expect so they do not need to feel uncomfortable if you tear up. It sounds like you get over it in a few moments or minutes at the most. That is not too much for anyone to live with.
I have seen people on stage disclose a disability whether they shake, cough, have Tourette’s, syndrome, Parkinson’s, etc. Their audiences always respond positively. I am not suggesting it is your job to educate the public, but helping the people you are close to or that you are often in contact with to understand you better may be a good thing. It takes self-confidence and courage. Once you do it a few times, it will get easier and easier until it becomes natural to you.
Fears for Tears, you are a beautiful being with an incandescent soul. All the forces in the universe converged to create the unique, perfect person that you are. Just the way you are. You are a gift, not an aberration. When you can accept this about yourself, others will too. We get our cues from you. If you are embarrassed and feel mortified, we will pick up on this and reflect it back. If you own who you are with pride and ease, we will pick up on that, too. The only change that needs to be made is accepting yourself. Godspeed, Tears for Fears!
Yours Most Truly,
Mrs. Hughes
Mrs. Hughes is the pen name of Raizel Weiss Heizer, a licensed professional counselor, officiant, sacred passage doula and grandmother in Colorado Springs. She also has a background in the performing arts. Send your questions on life, matters of the heart, money, parenting, difficult neighbors, or any sticky situations to [email protected]. No topic off limits, though publication is not guaranteed. Use a pseudonym if you wish.
Please consider making a donation to our nonprofit newsroom.
Sign up for our free weekly newsletter!
