Dear Mrs. Hughes,
I feel so sad. I don’t know what to do. I am 23 years old and have met a woman I really love. I can imagine spending my life with her, and we’ve been talking about the future together. The problem is that since being with her I realize how unhealthy and dysfunctional my family is. Every occasion is just an excuse to drink. Every weekend is a party. They drink every night. I grew up thinking it was normal, but now that I’m older I know better.
They blame my girlfriend for me not visiting as much, but it’s not her fault. She doesn’t want to spend time at their house, but I don’t either anymore. We’ve tried going over and not drinking, but that’s just worse. I was really close to my mom and dad. Now they have stopped inviting me to things and say I think I am better than them. I don’t think so, but I want a different kind of life. They are also saying stuff about me to other family members. I’m afraid of losing my family.
Signed,
Don’t Know What to Do
Dear Don’t Know What to Do,
I really feel for you. This is a very difficult situation. You don’t want to lose your family, but don’t want to be with them when they are drinking, and it sounds like that is all the time. There is a trend these days to cut ties to our families. I am not in favor of this (unless there is unacknowledged or ongoing abuse). Instead, I think we have to have those hard conversations, especially with ourselves. Sweetheart, your parents are alcoholics. It doesn’t sound like they want to change, and they feel judged by you and your girlfriend. You don’t have to cut them out of your life forever, but it is important to create healthy boundaries. I don’t think you can ask them not to drink in their own home because they won’t be able to and will only resent you for it. You and your girlfriend will have to decide together how often and on what terms you can be with them. You can love them without needing to change them. Perhaps you can meet them at a neutral location once in a while like a restaurant for breakfast where alcohol will not be as prevalent. There comes a time in every adult’s life when we have to make hard choices. Many of us create families of choice and surround ourselves with like-minded friends who become family to us. These people carry us through our day-to-day and support us when we do have uncomfortable interactions with our crazy and/or toxic birth families. Believe me, you are not alone.
