Dear Cassandra,
I love my boyfriend. He is a caring, smart, fun person and I see a bright future for both of us. We have talked about living together, getting married, and eventually having kids. We know we want to spend the future together and are deciding what that looks like.
The only thing about him that really worries me is he has never lived anywhere but his parents’ house, even in college. And while they are great people and have the kind of loving marriage I hope to have with my boyfriend one day, they are extremely messy. I am nowhere near a clean freak, either. Their house is covered in dog hair, there are always dirty dishes in the sink and countertops, and the whole place smells like an old sock.
There are periods where his mom will clean a whole bunch but then she gets tired, I guess, and gives up. And the house pretty soon is even dirtier than before. She’s tried all these apps and charts, but no one – not even her – ever sticks to it. One time I even saw a dog turd on the floor that nobody bothered to clean. It just sat there. I picked it up because I couldn’t stand the thought of someone stepping on it and tracking it through the house.
I was raised by just my mom, and even with all us kids our house never got too bad. But this is how my boyfriend was raised and so to him it seems completely normal. And I guess it works ok for them. But I could never be happy living in a home that was constantly filthy. I know it will cause fights if he leaves messes around the house and does not pick up after himself. I do not want to be in the position where I have to either do it myself or ask him and have him feel like I’m nagging. I have tried to talk with him about this, but he does not seem to understand why it is a big deal to me.
I asked my mom and she said she has decided for herself not to be with a man who won’t do his fair share of chores, but that now that I am an adult, I will have to decide for myself where my boundaries are. There is so much that is good about him, I wonder if I could be ok with doing more housework than he does? But then what if we have a kid, I don’t want them thinking that the woman does all the housework. But he would be a good father in so many other ways. And I can’t stand the thought of breaking up.
Sincerely,
Undecided
Dear Undecided,
Oh boy. This can get tricky. On the one hand, you don’t want to make your boyfriend think you are criticizing his family; on the other hand, you know that you could not live as his family would if you lived together. You would ultimately resent him for constantly cleaning up after him.
Something to consider is that disorganization and being messy can be a side effect of depression. When a person is depressed, thinking about attacking the mess can seem monumental, just too much to deal with. As it gets worse and worse, it’s overwhelming. Do some of his family members show signs of depression?
I’m also wondering if your boyfriend has demonstrated that he is messy. Does he keep his own space – room or apartment if he has one, in the same disarray? I agree that messy people often stop seeing the mess over time. It feels normal to them.
I know from my own perspective that my mental health suffers when I am living in an environment that is cluttered. So, these two very different sides of this issue could clash. Let’s approach this one step at a time.
Step 1: Let’s establish that this is a relationship you truly want to continue. Look outside of this particular issue and do a bit of soul-searching. Think about the qualities he possesses as a long-term partner. Are you aligned in other ways? Do you have the same family values? Financial long-term goals? Are you aligned spiritually? Do you support each other’s career aspirations? You start your letter listing his attributes and say you have discussed long-term plans. Look at this deeply. If that is truly a “go, ” then on to step 2.
Step 2: If something is really important to you, you must talk about it. Communication in every relationship is essential. I know you said you have tried to talk about it in the past, but it’s time to get serious. Remember, timing is everything. Next time you discuss moving in together, tell him you have something to discuss before the conversation can go any further. Make sure to communicate that this issue is significant to you. Then, set up a time to talk with no distractions or time limitations. Tell him your concern and why it is a concern. You don’t want to resent him and don’t want your kids to think only women do housework, etc. Honestly, you are not asking him to change but to be open to helping create a home environment where you BOTH can thrive. He needs to be on board here. As I said earlier, he mustn’t feel this is an attack on how his family lives. This is about the two of you!
Step 3: If all goes well, move in together! Nothing is as eye-opening as the test of time. These two different perspectives are a challenge but can be overcome. Establishing routines together can be very helpful. For example, if you work full time, allot a few hours on Saturday mornings (or Sunday or an off day) as cleaning time. Divide the chores. It is also helpful to establish daily habits such as tidying before bed or even first thing in the morning. Whatever works for you two.
If you can afford it, add a cleaning service to your budget. This will take away the burden of doing the big housework tasks and keep the clutter at bay. (And preparing for the cleaners to come forces tidying at least every two weeks!) I know this isn’t for everyone, but it is something to consider down the road, especially if things work out and children come along.
Ultimately, you want to be in a relationship with someone who is willing to do something because it is important to you. Compromise is key. Don’t expect miracles. You will have to compromise as well and be patient.
Good luck!