Dear Mrs. Hughes March 14

Dear Mrs. Hughes, 

My old friend who I see about twice a year has religious and political views I find offensive. We both use the phrase “We’d better not go there” when conversation veers in that direction. This works well when we are together, however I still find myself angry and appalled when I reflect upon things she has said. I want to be true to my beliefs and basically not be disgusted in my encounters with her. I do value her friendship. Thanks.

Signed,

Values vs Friendship

Dear Values vs Friendship,

Thank you so much for writing in with this oh, so very pertinent, topic. This is truly the question of our times. I’m sure every one of us has at least someone in our lives whether they are a close personal friend, acquaintance, neighbor, colleague or family member that this issue applies to. I would like to commend you for not throwing your old friend away because of your differing political and religious views. Far too often people today are ending sometimes lifelong friendships and even family ties over this issue. This only leads to deeper division and more derisiveness.

Is it possible for you to be true to your beliefs and not be angry and appalled by things she has said? Maybe not. Maybe things she has said are worthy of being angry and appalled at. I think the question you are truly asking is, can I maintain a friendship with this person, who is a very old friend, even though I am angry and appalled by things she has said? If you find yourself disgusted (quite a strong emotion) when you are with her, that will surely, inevitably, whittle away at the fabric of your friendship.

If you can agree to “not go there,” when you are together, your friendship definitely has a chance of surviving. You have said this person is an old friend. You must have shared a lot of life together. Can you focus on the things you have in common? On the people you both love? Find neutral things to experience and talk about? Some people I know find this a coward’s way out. They feel disloyal to their cause if they fraternize with the enemy. We, the everyday people, on both sides of the aisle, are not the enemy. I may be taking my life in my hands and be canceled for saying this, but this is the very issue, isn’t it?

I have a dear friend who I met when our kids were in elementary school. I have watched this person swing from one religious extreme to another with her politics following course. It was very difficult for me to talk to her when this happened. I just couldn’t believe my intelligent, thoughtful friend could feel this way. She is one of the kindest people I know. This person sang me to sleep every night when I was going through cancer treatment and had to sleep upright in a chair. This is the person who held me up during my divorce, who drove out to DIA with my passport when I realized I forgot it, who stayed with me recently after I had surgery. Her husband and children don’t agree with her views, but they still love her. I truly do not understand what changed in her for her to believe what she believes. But I do know her heart. She is someone I want in my life. We have agreed to “not go there.” Her kids and husband have agreed to “not go there.” There are people in my close family I have agreed to “not go there” with. I believe all these people are good people who have good hearts and if push came to shove, we would choose each other over any political or religious doctrine.

My dearest, you have truly struck the nail on the head with this one. I find myself asking, are we part of the problem by “not going there?” I find myself questioning if what I told you above is right. My family was affected by the Holocaust. This quote attributed to Martin Niemöller is a mainstay in my consciousness. It is woven into the very fabric of my personal ideology: “First, they came for the Socialists, and I did not speak out – because I was not a Socialist. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I did not speak out – because I was not a trade unionist. Then they came for the Jews, and I did not speak out – because I was not a Jew. Then they came for me – and there was no one left to speak for me.”

I think each of us has to decide at what point beliefs turn into action. The people I have “not gone there” with have, at this point, only exercised their right to vote and have a differing opinion. We respect each other’s right to this freedom. We respect each other. They don’t ask me to change. They don’t ask me to give up what I believe in. I don’t ask that of them. If at some point their actions become such that we find ourselves on opposite sides to the extent of losing respect or being able to relate to each other as human beings first, I would have to re-evaluate our connection.

I still believe in humanity. I still believe most of us everyday people are good at heart. I believe there is evil. I believe we have to fight evil. Most of all, I believe the more we can relate to people on opposite sides of the aisle as human beings and find those things we have in common to bind us, the more power we have to heal this deep fissure. It starts one on one. If George Bush and Michelle Obama can do it, can’t we?

My dearest, thank you for your letter. I, like you, am trying to figure this out the best I can.

Yours most truly,

Mrs. Hughes

About Mrs. Hughes

Mrs. Hughes is the pen name of Raizel Weiss Heizer, a licensed professional counselor, officiant, sacred passage doula and grandmother in Colorado Springs. She also has a background in the performing arts. Send your questions on life, love, money, parenting, difficult neighbors, or any sticky situations to dearmrshughes@pikespeakbulletin.org. No topic off limits, though publication is not guaranteed. Use a pseudonym if you wish.

A letter to readers

Dear Readers,
It is such a joy to be writing this column and communicating with you in such an intimate way. The highlight of my week is finding a cozy coffee shop in which to hunker down and answer your letters. As this is something new to the Pikes Peak Bulletin, not everyone might be familiar with how an advice column works. You must write to me! Talk about whatever is on your mind. Nothing is off limits, although there is no guarantee your letter will be printed. Use a pseudonym. Send your letters to: DearMrsHughes@pikespeakbulletin.org

Yours most truly,
Mrs. Hughes