Dear Mrs. Hughes,
I am a divorced, childless woman in my sixties. My immediate family is very small. I am the only child of my parent’s marriage and was born when they both were 40. My father retired when I was around eight, so I spent most of my time around them and felt comfortable with that. My mother was from Europe and my father from New England, therefore I had very limited opportunity to experience extended family.
Here is my issue: I have a half-sister who has lived in Italy most of her life. She is now in her early eighties and in failing health. I last saw her two-plus years ago. I feel we have always done a good job maintaining as close a relationship as possible given the age and geographical/cultural differences in place. I have visited her every 3-6 years over the course of my life. She has a husband/son/grandson and many relatives from her husband’s side who I have spent time with all my life as well. I have always been blessed and welcomed by everyone.
I am grateful for my European family. There is a Holocaust story and a WWII story that died with my mother’s generation. I am grieving the loss of my sister in the future. I am grieving the loss of that Italian connection with my sister and her family. I am grieving the loss of the “little sister” role I have had all my life. I am afraid of losing the only tie to my mother that exists. She looks very much like my mother as well. Any history I have will be gone after she dies.
I have noticed that when I may be close to losing someone I cherish, I actually reach out much less. I had a beloved aunt who I had great difficulty phoning at the end of her life because I was afraid of the pain of losing her. I am definitely repeating this pattern with my sister, especially in light of the availability of “What’s App” where we could share pieces of our lives every day. I think about my sister every day but get really stressed about calling her and am rigid about needing to see her in person rather than enjoying other ways of more playful and lighter communication. Please help me negotiate this existential crisis and please help me not regret that I didn’t see more of her over the years.
Signed,
Existential Crisis
Dear Existential Crisis,
Being an only child of older parents without other family around can be isolating. I understand why you treasure your connection with your half-sister so dearly. I think it is commendable that you have visited every 3-6 years over the course of your life. That is a strong commitment to your bond. It would be a shame if you let that slide because you are afraid of the pain of losing her. You will lose her and it will be painful. But dear one, you can handle it.
I know it doesn’t make logical sense to pull away when you miss someone so much. I do understand this paradox. When I moved away from Michigan in my late twenties I didn’t go back for fifteen years. I missed it so much. It was too painful to visit and have to leave again. One of my favorite idioms applies here: Cutting off one’s nose to spite one’s face. We think we are doing something to protect ourselves when all the while we are causing more pain to ourselves.
You are pre-grieving. I do think it helps, but you don’t have to pull away to do it. Of course, you will dreadfully miss your sister when she dies. You will miss the role of “little sister” you played in that relationship. You will miss her family and the Italian connection. And you will miss that final tie to your mother and all the history that comes with it. Dear one, please don’t be rigid and repeat the pattern of pulling away at the end like you did with your aunt. Did her death hurt any less because you pulled away?
Now that you are aware that it didn’t, please don’t make that same mistake. Plan a trip to visit your half-sister. You still have time to be together. In the meantime, call her often. Text and send pics, share those precious pieces of your daily lives, even if it’s not in person. You will still be creating memories that you will be so grateful to have. Don’t squander the time you have left! That you will regret.
It sounds like you also have a relationship with her husband, son, and grandson. Even if those relationships are secondary to the one with her, would it be possible to cultivate more closeness there?
We fall into patterns like rigidity out of fear. We stop ourselves from doing the thing that will bring us joy in order to have less pain in the future. This is a false paradigm. Don’t be fooled again. You sound like an insightful, self-aware woman. Losing the people we love is the worst pain there is. Not loving them and being with them while we can will only increase that loss. Dear Existential Crisis, face your fears and embrace the time you have left with your sister. This is the only way you will have no regrets.
Yours Most Truly,
~ Mrs. Hughes
Please consider making a donation to our nonprofit newsroom.
Sign up for our free weekly newsletter!
