Dear Mrs. Hughes,
How do I tell my parents that I don’t want them to stay with us when they visit? They will be so insulted! My partner and I have decided that it’s just too stressful to have them staying here. We have two small children and a newborn. We are up all night. As you can imagine, the house is utter chaos. My parents are the type who believe family should always stay with family. It would put so much extra pressure on us.
Even though they will try to help, they will just be in the way. We want them to come meet the baby, of course! But, we are already stretched to the max keeping it together. We simply don’t have the juice to entertain or be concerned about two more people’s welfare. We would love to see them for a couple hours in the morning and afternoon and have dinner together, but all day and night is just too much. It’s not that they can’t afford it, it’s just that they will feel offended.
Signed,
Distressed Daughter
Dear Distressed Daughter,
Oh boy! This is the moment in every adult child’s life when you become a true adult in the eyes of your parents and birth family. Where you must be willing to set healthy boundaries even towards the most loving family members … even when those boundaries might upset the status quo.
Your parents had certain traditions that they honored while raising their children. Staying with family while visiting is one of them. I imagine they carried on many customs from their own families, as well as forming some of their own. Now it is time for you and your partner to do the same.
I suggest telling them in a loving, unapologetic way. Let them know how excited you are that they are coming. Be honest with them. Tell them it puts added pressure on you and your partner. They will probably say not to go to any trouble for them and that they don’t care if the house is a mess, etc. That is not the point. You have to be on all the time when you have company, even if they are your parents. With a newborn, you have to grab those naps when you can. Opportunities for downtime with three young children are rare.
Airbnb and VRBO offer homey accommodations. Perhaps they would be more comfortable staying in a place like that rather than in a hotel. Maybe they would like to have the two older children for a sleepover and give you and your partner some alone time. That could actually work to everyone’s advantage.
Regardless of whether they will like the idea or not, or whether they will be offended or not, you and your partner have the right to be assertive in this situation and stand up for what is best for your family. It is probably just the beginning for situations like this in the future. The sooner you establish loving, but firm boundaries, the quicker and easier your parents will adapt to them.
Trust me. I have been on both ends of this spectrum, as a young parent and as a grandparent. As in all areas of life, people will rise to your expectations of them and treat you how you show them you expect to be treated, as long as you are clear and consistent.
Yours Most Truly,
Mrs. Hughes
About Mrs. Hughes
Mrs. Hughes is the pen name of Raizel Weiss Heizer, a licensed professional counselor, officiant, sacred passage doula and grandmother in Colorado Springs. She also has a background in the performing arts. Send your questions on life, love, money, parenting, difficult neighbors, or any sticky situations to [email protected]. No topic off limits, though publication is not guaranteed. Use a pseudonym if you wish.
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