Dear Mrs. Hughes,
Please help me. I don’t know how I got here. One minute I had a good life with lots of friends and at least a functioning marriage. I was the coach of my kid’s soccer team and a respected member of my community. Now I am the town pariah. I had an affair with my husband’s business partner and fell in love. We didn’t mean to, it just happened. Saying this out loud, it sounds so trite.
We’ve known each other for many years. Our families have even taken vacations together. His wife and my husband are both very controlling and we commiserated together. One day it’s like we just recognized each other in a different way. Mrs. Hughes, I’ve never been so happy in my entire life. For the first time I felt totally seen and loved for who I am. I never knew I could be this close to a man. He talked to me in a way my husband never did. I felt safe being vulnerable with him and he was vulnerable with me, too. He told me he never talked to his wife this way.
Looking back, it all seems so naïve. It was everything I ever wanted. We were so open with each other. We truly talked about everything! We had true, deep conversations. I was definitely under a spell. We both started divorce proceedings, but he has thrown me under the bus and decided to go back to his wife.
Our neighborhood has a really tight friend circle. They have embraced and forgiven him. He and his wife are spinning the story like he had a nervous breakdown and that I took advantage of him. I NEVER in a thousand years thought he would do that to me. I never would have done that to him. I feel so betrayed! We had a plan. We were going to make a life together. He didn’t even tell me before he went back to his wife. I feel so stupid, like I was some kind of colossal mistake.
Everyone hates me because I am going through with my divorce even though my husband wants to reconcile. We got married really young and I had kids right away. My life revolved around taking care of my husband and kids. Don’t get me wrong, I had a great life. I love being a mom, and my husband is a good provider. But as messed up as this all is and I know I am, I do know that going back to a marriage where I wasn’t happy and never felt like my true self is not the answer.
I just don’t understand how my actions have hurt so many people. The other moms won’t even let their kids come to my house or carpool with me anymore. Ironically, it’s the women who seem much more upset than their husbands. I get weird looks from the men and can’t tell if they are encouraging or creepy. I get texts from moms I hardly know telling me what a terrible, immoral person I am. My husband says I have ruined his business and hurt our children irrevocably. I am so very remorseful for all the pain I have caused. I have lost everything … my pride, my friends, my security, the love of my life. I don’t even recognize myself anymore. Am I a horrible person? I feel lost. How do I move forward from here?
Signed, Wearing the Scarlet Letter
Dear Wearing the Scarlet Letter,
I am so very sorry this has happened to you. I am wrapping you up in my arms and holding you close to my heart. Sounds like you feel very alone right now. Do you have any close friends outside of your neighborhood circle you can count on?
I am not going to debate the morality of this issue. There are many reasons people have affairs. They are often symptoms of something wrong in a marriage and can serve as a wakeup call or motivation to end a relationship when people can’t find the courage to do so on their own. You clearly have a hole in your heart that this person filled, at least temporarily. He is not who you thought he was. Throughout your letter I heard you practically screaming how alone in your marriage you felt. That you had never been in a relationship where you felt like you were seen and totally accepted for who you are. How much you yearn for true, deep connection. That you never felt comfortable being yourself before.
This is important. Pay attention to it.
You say you got married when you were very young. Sounds like you had children and life took over, as it does for so many of us. Now you are realizing that you want more. That you need to discover who you are now as a fully adult woman. It’s almost as if you are waking from a dream. I’m going to bet that you never had the chance to really know yourself before, your wants, your desires, your dreams. That in your birth family you either had a caretaker role or had a good reason for not letting your true self shine.
Now I might sound trite, but I highly recommend therapy. It can help you figure out where this hole came from and what influences in your life brought you to this place, such as why you chose a man who could not give you what you craved and why you were willing to throw it all away for what you thought you were getting from your lover.
It is true that your actions hurt a lot of people, but what goes on in your own marriage is between you and your husband. Other people will judge you because you represent possibilities they are afraid of. They may be scared their husbands will stray. They may be envious that you took a chance and were willing to leave it all behind for love.
When my mother finally found the strength to divorce my father after 35 years of an abusive marriage where he had numerous affairs, her best friend of over 40 years left her in the dust because she was afraid “it was catching .” She was married to one of my father’s best friends and felt she had to choose the security of her marriage over the lifelong friendship she had shared with my mother. These women may not be able to forgive you, but eventually the buzz will die down.
As far as we have come, women still are the ones to be blamed. You were indeed right to call yourself “Wearing the Scarlet Letter” while your partner in crime seems to have gotten off scot-free. Hold your head up. You have found the courage to get out of a marriage that left you unhappy. Now it is time to find that strength inside yourself and to fill that hole from within. Surround yourself with people who are willing to listen and not judge. Get help and do some soul searching. Listen to Whitney Houston’s “The Greatest Love of All.” You are not a horrible person. Punishing yourself won’t help. Understanding yourself will.
Yours Most Truly,
Mrs. Hughes
About Mrs. Hughes
Mrs. Hughes is the pen name of Raizel Weiss Heizer, a licensed professional counselor, officiant, sacred passage doula and grandmother in Colorado Springs. She also has a background in the performing arts. Send your questions on life, love, money, parenting, difficult neighbors, or any sticky situations to heila@pikespeakbulletin.org. No topic off limits, though publication is not guaranteed. Use a pseudonym if you wish.
